Sam Winchester's Journal
I haven’t written much lately. Circumstances, well they’ve become too out of hand to have time to sit down and jot notes.
I’m supposed to be getting rest. “A break, that’s the least we deserve” according to Dean who found no trouble getting to sleep. He’s passed out. Few hours into Miller Time and a X-Files marathon; the dude’s toast. Well, course this is after the discussion as to why Scully really is a skeptic, and Mulder, well Mulder is a “fuckin’ saint.”
He’s not even acting different. I don’t know if that should scare me or not. He’s got one year and he acts like it hasn’t even crossed his mind. Hasn’t even phased him. Then again Dean’s always been the type to masquerade behind a fake smile, hell he learned that trade from the best. It’s frustrating. Every time I hint towards something even remotely about the deal, he immediately backs me off. I get it, he wants to enjoy a few day’s rest. If that’s what he wants to call it. I’m not at rest, I can’t sit here much longer. Sit here and watch. Not with what it will cost me.
Maybe that’s selfish of me. Pushing him into another hunt so quickly after what we faced. What we finally accomplished. For Mom and Dad. But I can’t believe he’s come to terms with his deal, I have to believe he wants out of it just as badly as I need him to be.
Bobby called. Had some news for us as well as a few necessities. I told Dean to go himself. Clearly, he was against leaving me alone, but he knows why. He knows how it hurts… how you seem to be digging their grave a little bit deeper every time you take in a breath. I’m not strong like him, I can’t hide it much longer. This is killing me.
While he was away, I went down to the local church. I don’t know why I felt compelled exactly. I mean I’m not very religious. Everything I know, Pastor Jim taught me. I guess I thought maybe if I left the hotel room… he’d hear me.
Sat there for an hour. Praying.
Even with Dean’s run in few months back I doubt he’s closer to wanting to believe. Now? Well, God’s not giving the best track record. I need this, I need to find a way to save Dean. Because if I can’t save my brother… If we don’t get out of this one…
I think if you truly exist…
You quit listening a long time ago.